How much does a settlement cost?

Lee

JULIE’S COMMENT:

The amount of conflict will affect the cost.

How long is a piece of string? A settlement can cost from $2,000 to over $200,000. It can cost many hundreds of thousands of dollars plus untold stress for you and the children. The easiest way to keep down expenses is to keep the conflict down, because the more time you take to reach agreement, the more money you will spend. If you can keep your emotions under control you will be able to negotiate effectively, experience less pain, and save time and money.

Be honest about finances. Unrealistic financial statements only lead to more valuation costs and argument. If you have complex financial affairs and can’t agree on a property settlement you will need help from an accountant. You want to be able to move on and start anew, not be pulled back into court years later because you “forgot” some assets. Do you really want to have to go through the settlement process again and face possible fraud charges?

Another way to spend money on legal fees is to argue about child custody and child support. If you can’t reach a reasonable time regime for the kids and be honest about your income, then you are going to spend a lot of time filling in forms, answering questions, having your wages garnisheed or your tax return swept from your bank account by the Child Support Agency. You can upset your children by involving them in your argument, or you can support them emotionally and financially as they grow into confident, responsible adulthood.

Of course, this is very difficult when you are emotionally raw and hurt. But if you know what can happen it usually helps.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

Last week my wife (we are separated but not divorced) had me arrested and had the police take out an avo on me. I am still in shock. I cannot believe she has done it. The kids were home and everything and I was watching tv with them when the police knocked on the door and told me that they had received a complaint from my wife and had to take me to the station to charge me. I can’t tell you how upset the kids were. My wife told them to go in their rooms and in front of me told the police I had hit her and and describing how I had done it. We had had a conversation the week before where she said she wanted a divorce and I said ok but I was not leaving the house. After the avo I was told I could not go back to the house and so she got what she wanted. The police were very nice and understanding but they said they had to do their job. They gave me the names of some good lawyers and told me that if I didn’t do it to fight it. I am still in shock. How can the woman I loved have done this to me? Has any other guys had this done to them out there too?

Bryce from Waverton

Dear Bryce,

I’m sorry this has happened to you. We have heard lots of stories saying the same thing, it is very upsetting to think people may be misusing the system to get their husbands out of the family home in these situations. It’s worse that the kids saw it and were involved. The pain of separation is awful and when people act in a way that they have never before it is shocking and unbelievable and you will find it very difficult to reconcile the person you were with the one who is now in front of you.

Stress and emotions make people do and act in very strange ways. You should go on and defend your innocence as the police advise. There will also be counselling available if you can get your wife to agree, as this may show her what she has done by doing this, especially as she involved the kids. A counsellor may get her to agree to withdraw the case and settle things out between you, as it’s clearly about the separation and not the violence.

It does help to talk about how you are feeling, and our chat room is great for that. I’m sure you’ll find other men that have been in your position and talk to them and see what they sorted out to resolve things. I know it’s easy for me to say, but if you can resolve this in counselling and get your wife to drop the case it would be best for all, especially the kids. Good luck.

Julie

Dear Julie,

My ex husband keeps changing the dates he wants to see the kids and it is creating chaos in my life. As he is a truck driver he is away alot and he changes his days off all the time. he will call me the day before and say he wants the kids the next day and demands to pick them up. Sometimes we have made plans to go somewhere or visit friends or the kids have parties and he tells me the court would give him the kids when and if he has days off and that I should hand them over or he’ll take me to court. He knows I can’t afford lawyers and so I give in. Is this right? When I ask him to give us notice each week he says he does not have to and it’s his right.

Kaytie from Albury

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Kaytie,

Your ex’s behaviour is not appropriate. You and the children are entitled to reasonable notice and to be able to make plans. He should take into account that the children need to have a routine of time to spend with him, not just random visits when it suits him.

I suggest you write to him and tell him that in the future he should give you notice, preferably in writing, of the time he would like to see them. If he gets his roster weekly, make it that he gives notice at the time he receives his roster, and if it’s monthly then he should let you know accordingly.

You are making it hard for yourself and the kids if you give in to him if he doesn’t follow these conditions. I know sometimes there will be changes due to unforeseen circumstances, but you could hold him down to a routine to most of the time this way.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

My ex husband hardly ever sees our children who are 8, 5 and 2 years old. He is a businessman and is able to work his hours to suit himself but he never seems to be able to get to see our kids. He ran off with a blonde girl who was doing some promotions for one of his businesses just after we had our 2 year old, and had been on with her for 6 months. Now I hear he is getting married to her and having another baby! I am so mad. He can’t see the kids he’s got and he’s having more! What is the matter with him. Does he not know what effect this will have on the kids? Is he insane to be doing this or am I just a bitter twisted cow like he keeps telling me I am? Am I wrong in thinking that he try to meet his responsibilities with the kids he has already got than have more.

Nadine

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Nadine,

Someone very wise once said to me “if you try to understand madness you will go mad yourself” and I think that will be the case here.

I don’t know what your ex is thinking, however, it is his life and he is entitled to live it as he thinks fit. Of course I agree with you that if he is not seeing and taking up his responsibilities with the children he already has then why have more, but it is his life not ours. You could try communicating your feelings to him, but make sure it is at a time when you are calm and not emotional, or try writing him a letter. Make sure you tell him him that you would like him to play a bigger role with the kids and how much it hurts and affects them when he doesn’t.

I’m sure your children would like to have their father in their lives more, but if this is not the case then all you can do is firstly try your best to facilitate and encourage it, and, secondly, do your best to fill the gap. How do you fill the gap? If you have a father, brothers or male friends, see if they can play a bigger role in the kids’ lives to give them a male role-model.

Just be the best parent you can, and your kids will be fine. There is not a lot you can do. You can’t control your ex nor tell him what to do. You have to try and accept the situation and work around it.

Julie

I read about your site in today’s Sun-Herald and I wanted to let you know what a good idea I think it is, especially the do’s and don’t section.

 

I separated in 2007 and have been making my way forward to a better future for myself and my three children. But fear of the unknown is something I have experienced quite often and I am sure it is something that that all people going through a major life change feel. Sites like suddenlyseparated.com help turn this fear into positive action. Good on you!

 

Wendy

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Wendy,

Your comments keep us all here at suddenlyseparated.com inspired, so thank you. I’d also like to say that our site is not just designed to help other women, it’s also for men - anybody who is going through a separation. By helping them we are also trying to help all the children involved, grandparents, friends and co-workers, as everybody is affected.

It is so hard for people to know what to say or do for someone who is going through such emotional pain, and by simply giving them something as simple as a direction to our website is, as you have found, something that helps.

Thanks again,

Julie

Dear Julie,

I have just read in the papers about how they are going to change the de facto laws so that if you live with someone that you may have the same rights as being married to someone. I just want to say I think this is so unfair. I mean if you wanted to be married why don’t you get married. If people aren’t married surely they don’t want to be married or aren’t ready for that commitment yet. I mean, you use to live with people to see if you could make it work before you got married so you didn’t have to go through the legal trauma of a divorce etc but now you might get it anyway! I was seriously thinking about moving in with my girlfriend this year to see how it would work. She has two kids from another marriage and really we are not yet ready for marriage but would like to see if living together would work. Neither of us want to have a legal situation and that’s why we were going to live together first and what if it’s ok but we want it to stay that way in two years- we may have to break up to avoid it!

Danny from Brighton

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Danny,

I think it’s a situation where the government is trying to protect everybody but not quite getting it right. The High Court has had the same view that you have at times, and stated that if people want the protection of the Family Law Act they should go and get married and if you are not married it’s because one of you just doesn’t want to be.

The new law would place a lot more pressure on people living together to think about the legal consequences. It also puts pressure on young couples who want to try out living together before they tie the knot to avoid legal and emotional problems. I know there are a lot of situations the government is trying to make fairer with these proposed new changes, but I don’t know whether the cost of the new laws applying to the situation that you are in will be worth it.

Julie

My family is crazy. I live with my mother, my step-father, my brother, my step-sister, my half-sister and my step-sister’s half-sister. My brother lives with my father and his new wife, and they have a new baby, who is my half-brother, and my step-mother has twins from her first marriage and I’m not sure who they are to me. I’m 14. How am I supposed to work out who I am and what is normal when I’m surrounded by steps, halves and whatevers. Is it any wonder I’m screwed up?

Dear Danni,

Relationships and families can be very complicated sometimes. Believe it or not, whatever your family dynamic, just like the Munsters, there will always be someone else’s whose life is more complicated. Even though you may be steps, halves and whatevers, please don’t use this an excuse for conflict because you are hitting your teenage years and your hormones are going all over the place.

I’ve known children and parents in families in complicated situations who are very happy and who love each other very much. I must say that Brad Pitt (sigh) and Angelina Jolie look really happy and how would you like to define the relationships of all those children to each other. I’ve also known children and parents in very simple situations who have the most unfortunate family life and lead lives of quiet desperation. A loving family isn’t defined by anything except the love that you feel for each other.

Sometimes dealing with complicated things make us better people, and helps us with the difficulties that life throws at us. And it certainly makes times like Christmas very interesting.

Dear Julie,

All my friends tell me that I need to get the anger over my husband leaving me but I just can’t. I think of all the things he’s done and the position he’s left me in but I don’t get angry – I get depressed and just hate myself. Why can’t I get angry? If I got angry at him maybe I wouldn’t sit here every day wishing he’d come back and blaming myself for him having an affair and leaving me for another woman. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, so why can’t I see that and stop beating myself up? I have a girlfriend and all she does is get angry, too.

Chris from Perth

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Chris

When you don’t vent your anger and release it you turn it inwards and attack yourself and you get depressed, and this is what you are doing. It is really important to show your anger because it does help you to stand up and fight an injustice, which is exactly what has happened to you. You are obviously still in love with your husband and you will swing from anger to depression. Each feeling you will need to deal with.

There are some great ways of dealing with this, and they are with humour: watching some comedies about marriage breakups, like War of the Roses and Stepmum will have you laughing and crying and releasing all sorts of emotions. Physical exercise is terrific, and getting in a room or somewhere private and just screaming helps. Tears, writing a letter to your ex (but not sending it), sometimes having a massage can bring out all sorts of emotions just through the sense of touch. You will get a great sense of relief when you have worked through your anger because it will free up your energy for other areas of your life, especially for you to move on.

A great idea would be for you to get onto our chat room and talk with others about how they dealt with your anger and depression. Just talking to others will help you to get through this.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

One of my girlfriends has told me she has just separated from her husband of 24 years. She said it had been bad for a couple of years now and that he told her on the weekend he wanted to end it and go his separate way. What I am worried about is that she said he said they did not have to have a final financial settlement. He is telling her that she should move out of the house and he’ll pay the rent on house for her and the kids. He is saying that when the economy gets better they can sell the house and do a split then. I think it’s a trick so she’ll move out and she’ll only get half the house instead of more like if she would if she stayed in it. I also worry he may stop paying the rent and she doesn’t have any money to pay it if he doesn’t. Is she being conned by him? The other problem is that she won’t take anyone’s advice and she says she just wants to do this in a friendly manner. What do I do?

Skye of Penhurst

JULIE’S COMMENT:

Dear Skye,

It’s so nice of you to be so worried about your friend. I do see your concerns about her moving out of the house and renting somewhere else when she does not have an income of her own.

If the children are going to live with her and they are not selling the house yet, it would make sense for her and the kids to stay in the house and move when the house is sold and then do a financial split.

Unfortunately, in this situations you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Keep supporting your friend. Perhaps you can make an appointment for your friend with one of the Relationship Australia Centres and tell her she should just talk to someone in the interests of herself and the kids to see if she is needs some help. There are also phone lines to call and are available on our website.

All you can give is give support. You can’t really push people to get advice and sometimes if you try to go too far you may alienate yourself from your friend.

Good luck,

Julie

Dear Julie,

 

My husband and I have separated after 17 years of marriage. It has been very emotional for us and our kids who are 15 and 13 year old girls. The major problem is sorting out when the girls are with me and when they are with their dad. They are starting to complain that they feel like they live no-where as they are going back and forth all the time. At first I think they thought it was sort of fun, and there was really no fixed arrangement, but now they are really feeling unhappy about it. My husband I think will be flexible but the girls don’t seem to want to commit to an arrangement that I can put to him. I think they don’t want him to feel that they don’t want to be with him as much, but they are just more comfortable at home where they have lived most of their life.

Susie

 

JULIE’S COMMENT

 

Dear Susie,

If you have a good relationship with your husband then I would ask him to sit down and talk about this with you and the kids. It’s never easy to work out new living arrangements for everyone after a separation and it’s usually a process that evolves as everyone gets use to it. The kids will have changes to their commitments to school, sport and friends to take into account and work around, and they are at an age where they can and should be involved in these discussions. It sounds as though you and your husband have your kids’ best interests at heart and that is a huge start for you.

Most importantly, when the kids feel unhappy they should be encouraged, as they have done, to communicate with you and their father so that you can deal with their emotions. Teenage years are hard for kids and parents alike even without this emotional burden to deal with.

Julie